Doing this for Me

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that walking the 7 year journey to nothingness is about what is best for Me, existentially.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk in this world looking for recognition from others, not as a point of self-honest feedback, but as a point of creating an energetic feeling experience within myself, which I had accepted and allowed myself to define as the ultimate reward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek energy as reward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that energy in itself is of any value as reward, when self-honestly I can see the reality of it, the consequence of the up and down, the angst and ecstasy of participating in the cycles of energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that all forms of judgment and excitement are indicators that I am still participating in the energy reward game and thus in those moment I allow myself to realize that the only solution is in the breath - breathing in, bringing the energy back into myself, whether positive or negative, and forgiving myself and stopping, and thus breathing out within self honesty that I am no longer participating in that energy as a point of distraction from what is here as the physical reality.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that it is both the within myself, the self honesty within stopping participation within thoughts and feelings, and the without as walking the world system to stand within and as it to adjust it so that as I am stopping participation in the pursuit of energy within, that I am stopping the pursuit of energy without as this world system, and thus this is really about me, and not about blame or judgment of others or systems, but about me proving to me that I am really in fact changing, and that the only way to measure this is both within myself, in self honesty, equal to and one with changing the without as a measurable change in the world as adjusting the systems to stop the cycles of abuse in the name of energy and profit for only a few and recreating the system in that image and likeness that I am creating within as I stop the cycles of self-abuse in the form of self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that self-interest is in fact not really about self as what is best, because it is the narrowing of my focus to only an illusion where I am playing a game that only I can see and feel within, but that in reality doesn't last, while the reality of me as a physical body is directed without my direct participation to continue to create abuse within this world which always comes back to me, which is what is creating the impossible situation of every truly fulfilling my self-interest as such, because the self that I am interested in is not real, it is the illusion that I use to distract myself from what is happening to my real self, which I am accepting and allowing to abuse and be abused and consumed for no reason at all.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that there is no sense whatsoever in abusing myself and others, that it literally makes no sense, and that to justify in any way the pursuit of energy as a form of self-interested reward is an indication of lack of any sense whatsoever and is only possible when I or anyone abandons all reason and allows oneself to be completely possessed by an artificial set of rules running on autopilot with no end in sight.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in any way justify the continued pursuit of energy as happiness as experience and feeling, and yet  I realize that I still have points to walk through, and within that I realize that there is no value in using this as an excuse to ever give up or give in, because that would only delay and lengthen the process in space and time that it will take to truly change, because the change is not something that happens in my mind, it is something that happens as a physical process of stopping participation in my mind and directing myself within this world to change the systems that we have allowed to be created either directly or indirectly while we were busy playing the energy game in our minds, and thus this process is not about saving others or being a hero or getting recognition as being a great person, it is about stopping what I am doing and stopping the creation externally of systems and consequences that I have allowed in my name, as the reflection of what I have been participating within as my mind.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that when I participate in the pursuit of positive energy within my mind, it allows the negative to build and run rampant and this is ultimately what will become of me, not the positive, and this same logic applies to the outer world, that as we pursue money and fame and recognition and pleasure, yet we ignore that this comes at the expense of others' lives, we allow negative consequences to build in the physical reality and this is what reality is and has become and will become even more so, unless we stop and reverse all of this within and without, and thus this is not only a becoming, but an unbecoming firstly, because who I have accepted and allowed myself and others and this world to be is truly unbecoming.

I commit myself to stop participation in the mind, to not allow ANY excuse, to realize that the mind will fight, that this is what I have programmed it to do, but to stand firm, to stand as that which I know I am which is a real living being, and not to pretend to others, but to BE THAT WITHIN so that I can stop everything that I have automated within so that I can stand stable without and support this world as myself to become a place that values me and everyone and everything equally and would be the place I would want to have been born into and that I would want my children and all children to be born into as a place of unconditional support and love manifest.