Boredom as Self Deception

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that reacting to being bored is a sign that I am seeking some experience as a positive reward feeling.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that being bored in itself is a feeling that I use as a negative to motivate myself to seek a positive reward.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that it is possible to live Here on earth, breathing, and doing what is best, without feeling positive or negative, and that feeling positive is only possible by creating a negative, and creating a negative comes from judging experience as myself as not good enough as it is, and through that reaction I manipulate my surroundings and others to create a positive experience within me as some form of stimulation as a reward experience.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that this dependency on rewards as a motivator and as the basis for what I exist for stems from and comes from childhood where my parents rewarded me with something positive in order to stimulate certain behaviors or to stop me from doing certain behaviors.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself in that moment of being offered a reward for changing my behavior to accept the reward, as this is me accepting that my behavior will be controlled and manipulated through rewards and punishments, which are essentially the withholding of a reward in some form, and that this leads to a society where I and everyone else are being controlled and manipulated through reward systems in the form of marketing through all the various systems that exist as politics, consumerism, education, etc where no decisions are really coming from me as a self directive principle, but are automated through a system of reward, but since I have automated the reward system in myself to happen automatically, I will feel that the decision is coming from within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself and others when I feel bored into giving me some form of experience to alleviate my boredom, when in fact the boredom is self created as a way to justify my manipulating my environment for a reward.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when we base parenting and education on a system of rewards, it produces a human being that is not able to reason and make decisions that are best, but is actually open to being manipulated by others through rewards.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I do not have to manipulate my children, as a parent, through rewards and punishments, and that by doing, so I am in fact creating a child who is addicted to fear, either as fear of pain, in the form of punishment, or fear of loss, in the form of desire for a reward.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to take boredom and desire for positive experience for granted, not realizing that they are only existing within me because of my acceptance and participation within them within myself.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that boredom is a symptom of not being here in the moment expressing myself as what is best, and that it is not a matter of me 'thinking' about what to do to alleviate my boredom, but a matter of stopping participation in the feeling of boredom, because whatever I do within the context of 'alleviating boredom' is still using boredom as a stimulation to act or speak and thus I am acting within manipulating my environment from the starting point of trying to get positive energy, and thus the real solution is to continue to walk my process, to dismantle the systems of reward motivation that I have accepted and allowed within myself and to stop participation in boredom in the moment when/as it comes up within me, understanding that it is simply a manifested consequence of my past acceptance and allowance.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the only valid reward is the creation of a system that is best for all, and that within that I would never have any lack, I would be supported to exist within/as my full potential as a being and thus boredom would not be something that comes up because there would be no more games of competition for energy.

I commit myself to investigate and expose through writing, self forgiveness, and self corrective application all the ways in which I and we as humans participate in seeking reward and avoiding pain which distract us from examining the systems that we have accepted and allowed which automatically create inequality, and that the systems are both internal and external and thus I commit myself to stop participation within the systems of reward that I participate within and without and to find solutions to the systems without so that our world functions in a way where all are equally rewarded with that which is best for all life at all times and thus no imbalance or inequality is created which would produce states of living that create inner boredom, suffering, or apathy as a reaction to not being support effectively to be here within one's full capacity and potential as a human being.